Alex Gaskarth is My Cousin Part 2
by al-fearless13
Summary: Two years later, Rae and Alex make a mistake - a big mistake. Can they undo it? And can they fix everything else that they ruined? What happens when All Time Low goes on tour? Alex Gaskarth, Jack Barakat, Zack Merrick, and Rian Dawson.
1. Chapter 1

I woke slowly, growing aware of my surroundings one by one. My head was propped comfortably against a shoulder, my feet on his legs. His arm was around me. Neither of us were clothed.

I was warm, comfortable. Our breathing was in perfect sync, and I snuggled deeper into his shoulder.

The door creaked, and my eyes flew open. Aunt Tanya was standing in the doorway, looking appalled. "Oh my god," she breathed, and I realized that there were tears in her eyes.

"Alex," she said loudly, and I sat up, confused. "Rae," she said, addressing me coldly. "What the hell are you two doing?"

All I could think was, _why is she not leaving?_

The body under me shifted and groaned quietly. "I'm sleeping, Mom."

That voice… 'Mom'? This was not who I thought it was.

I turned around, terrified to confirm my fear. Under me was… Alex.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh my god!" I shrieked, yanking the blankets up over my chest.

"Rae?" he asked, wide-eyed. "What are you-"

He was cut off by Tanya slamming the door behind her as she stormed up the stairs.

"Oh my god," Alex groaned. "Rae, what the hell did we do?"

"I think you know exactly what we did," I replied, still fuming. I was in shock. I fucked with my cousin? No. No. This was not happening. This couldn't be happening.

"We were drunk, weren't we?" he asked. "Yeah. Cause Jack had the beer upstairs. And then we talked about how Mom kept the vodka down here, and we said we were gonna go get it. And then we started drinking and…" His eyes fell shut. "Oh my god. We did, didn't we? Man. I thought I was gonna wake up and this would all be a dream."

"It's never a dream, Alex," I said shortly. "With me, they're only nightmares."

My mind flashed back. It had been intimate. Beautiful, even. Hands running over me. Letting go of my repulsive memories, allowing the man I had thought was Zack to run his fingers all over me, make me feel like I'd never felt before. Make me shiver, make my back and neck arch in the mixture of pain and pleasure.

My thoughts had disconnected, and my body had taken over. Moaning and quiet screaming had filled the room, soft enough not to draw attention, yet loud enough to keep the adrenaline pumping in fear of someone catching us.

The slow fucking had been almost peaceful, so easy to follow. So… natural.

We were in the guest bedroom in the basement. The wine cellar was right through one door and upstairs was through the other.

"I thought I was asleep," he murmured. "I swear, Rae, I thought you were just a girl I was dreaming about, that I was dreaming."

Wrong thing to say.

Salty tears dripped out of my eyes as I realized that I'd lost my virginity – my official, voluntary virginity – to yet another member of my family. I mean, honestly? How many chances did I get?

"Alex, shut your eyes," I said shakily.

"Wh-"

"Do it," I snapped, and he obliged. I stood up and quickly retrieved my clothes from their position on the floor, throwing them on, disregarding the wrinkles.

"What are you-"

"Shut up," I said harshly. "Just shut up. Don't talk to me right now. I'll tell you when I figure it out, okay?"

"Figure what out?" he asked, but I was already through the door and running upstairs. When I got to my room, I slammed the door, locking it behind me. I grabbed my bags and again started packing. The last time I'd done that had been almost two years ago, when Tanya had tried to make me eat. Right before I wound up in the hospital. And here I was, doing this again.

I was sobbing audibly, slamming drawers and angrily zipping bags open and shut again as I threw everything I had onto my bed and tried to fit everything into the bags.

My hands were trembling, though, and finally I had to stop to cover my face so I could cry.

And then there was pounding on my door. "Rae?" a voice asked, and I recognized it as Jack.

"Go away!"

"No. Rae, I wanna talk to you."

"Go the fuck away!" I cried.

"Let me in."

"No!"

"Rae," he murmured, and I realized that he would hold me. I crossed the room quickly, opening the door and falling into his arms. "Hey," he said gently. "Hey, hey, hey. I got you, baby, I got you."

I held onto him tightly, my body almost collapsing as I sobbed, my head spinning from the emotional pain and confusion, and Jack had to sit down, pulling me into his lap and letting me cry into his shoulder as his fingers ran through my hair.

He continued murmuring sweet words of comfort into my ear, gently kissing my cheeks and forehead. I didn't mind his lips; I just liked knowing that someone cared. "It's okay," he said. "Whatever's happening, I'll fix it, okay? You're gonna be okay. We'll make it better. It's not worth your tears," he added, kissing one away.

I pressed my body to his as I heard footsteps in the doorway, and as Alex walked in, I buried my face even deeper into Alex's shoulder.

"Rae," Alex began, but I put a hand up without looking at him.

"Don't," I said, continuing to cry. "Don't, okay? Please. Just don't."

"Rae, please."

"I told you I'd figure it out, okay?"

"What did you do to her?" Jack hissed, his eyes sharp on Alex.

"Nothing," he muttered.

"Nothing?" I cried, pushing off Jack to stand in front of Alex. I slapped him hard, his face turning back over his shoulder, eyes shut. He stayed like that as I said, "Fuck you," and pushed past him, flying down the stairs.

"Rae, come on," he called, or maybe it was just my imagination. I had to get the hell away from my family. I burst out the door and started running down the street. I didn't know where the hell I was going, but I knew I had to leave.

I got so caught up in my thoughts that when someone grabbed me from behind, I let out a loud scream. We both fell to the ground, and as I fell, I saw Zack's car down the street. I turned to see him and burst into fresh tears.

"Baby, baby, baby," he murmured, pulling my back into his chest. We sat on the side of the road, and I cried as the sun rose. When I finished crying, the sky was red, and we just stayed there silently for a while, watching the sun and the clouds as they shed their light on the morning dew.

Finally I murmured, "I need to go."

Knowing what I meant, he shut his eyes. "Where?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied quietly, reaching back over my shoulder to touch his jaw.

There was a moment of silence, but he broke it with, "Will you come back?"

I smiled to myself, my eyes closing, too. "I just need some time," I said, avoiding the question. I had no idea if I was going back or not, but I didn't want him to know that. He wouldn't let me go if he thought I was leaving him.

"Okay," he said finally. "You got your license on you?"

I shook my head.

"You want me to take you somewhere?"

"No, it's okay," I muttered.

"Okay. Well here – take this." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.

"Zack," I protested as he opened it and started counting out money.

Three twenties, a few tens, two ones, a handful of nickels and dimes, and some quarters made their way into my hands. "This is all I've got," he said.

"Zack, I can't."

"Yes you can," he whispered in my ear, kissing my temple.

"Zack, why are you letting me go? You don't even know what I did." I knew I shouldn't have asked him, but I was honestly curious as to why he was allowing me to break free of him.

"I don't know," he sighed. "But I trust you. And I want you to be happy. And if leaving for a while is the way for you to do that, that's what I want you to do. I understand. It gets a little crazy around here sometimes. As long as you'll come home…"

I could feel him staring at me, but I didn't turn around. "Go home, Zack," I murmured.

He nodded and stood up, starting towards his car.

"Tell them you talked to me," I called after him. "Tell them I'm okay."

He nodded again, then climbed into his car, started the engine, and drove away.

I sat for a moment, but I got up and brushed myself off and started walking, my only intention to get far, far away.


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up, it took me a moment to get my bearings.

Good, fresh smell, super comfortable bed… I opened my eyes to the hotel room that I'd paid for with most of the money that Zack had given to me. Yawning and stretching, I leaned over to get the remote off the bedside table and turn on the tv. Something about a flood warning, Obama had passed another bill that involved a ridiculous amount of money, a plane crashing on its way from LAX to Nashville, and clips of American Idol from the night before.

I lay back down, sighing. I stayed there for a few minutes, but my stomach growled loudly and I reached for the phone. It rang just as my fingers touched it, scaring me so badly that I screamed.

I recovered, clearing my throat and picking it up, trying to get rid of my morning voice.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Are you watching the news?" a voice asked urgently, obviously trying to hide the fact that it was shaking.

"Um, may I ask who this is?"

"Rae, it's Rian."

"Oh. I was. Why?"

"Did you see the thing about –"

"Wait. How did you get this number?"

"It wasn't that hard. There's only one cheap comfy hotel, and I figured you'd be there. But it doesn't matter right now; did you see the plane crash?"

I slowly sat up. "Why?"

"Because," he said. "A-Alex was on that plane."


	4. Chapter 4

"What?" I shrieked, jolting awake. "Is he okay?"

It was quiet on the other end.

"Rian."

"We haven't gotten a hold of him," he said, but quickly added, "yet. But we're trying. He's not answering his phone, but that doesn't mean…" His voice trailed off.

"Oh my god," I whispered.

Though what Alex and I had done was powerful and wrong, it was an honest mistake. I wasn't ready to call it good yet, but I didn't wish him dead – not at all. He was the one that always helped me when I told him I couldn't eat, and he would make me feel better when I was upset. He was my cousin, and I'd known him forever, and no matter what he did, I loved him. I didn't want him to die.

"Do you want me to come get you?" Rian asked gently.

I nodded but then realized that he couldn't see me. "Yeah," I said. "Yeah."

"Okay. Gimme twenty minutes and I'll be right there."

"Okay. Thanks, Rian."

"No problem, sweetie. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up and numbly got in the shower before I could do anything I'd regret. My mind was on overdrive, coming up with various 'Alex is dead' scenarios. I was even subconsciously deciding what to wear to the funeral.

After about ten minutes of just standing under the hot water, I quickly shampooed my hair and got out, throwing my clothes back on and making sure I had the remainder of the money from Zack. So much for my 'leave and never come back' plan – less than twenty four hours and there I was again, heading back home.

I saw Rian's shiny black car pull up and he got out to open the door for me. He hugged me tightly and murmured in my ear, "Rae, I know it's hard. But he's gonna be fine, okay? He's Alex, right?" he asked, giving me a shrug and a half smile. But I noticed that his eyes were filled with tears.

"Rian," I said, pulling him back tighter, and he composed himself a minute later, giving me that same smile that he had a moment before.

"I'm okay," he stated, but his usual jokey tone was gone. "I'm okay." It was almost as if he was trying to reassure himself. I didn't want him to break down on me – he was the only one I hadn't seen cry, and I wanted it to stay that way.

I nodded and climbed into the car. Rian shut the door, always the gentleman, and went around the front to get in on his side.

When we'd been driving for a while, I got up the courage to ask the question that had been in my mind since the first phone call.

"Why…" My voice sounded odd as it weakly broke the long silence. "Why was he on the plane?"

Rian looked at me, his hand moving over to rest on my knee, the classic Rian-feels-bad-for-you gesture, and I think I already knew the answer. I wrapped my fingers around his thumb.

"He-Rae, he was going after you."

We were silent for the rest of the trip.

When we got home, I ran straight into Jack's arms and cried. "I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

He held me tightly. "I know, Rae, I know… It's not your fault. He was just trying to do the right thing."

"You don't even know what the hell happened, do you?" I asked, breaking back. "It's all my fault. I fucking left!"

I stormed upstairs, throwing myself onto my bed, sobbing. A few seconds later, I felt someone watching me, and I looked up to see Jack in the doorway.

"Why do you always find me when something's wrong?" I asked shakily, sniffing and wiping my eyes.

"It's not that," he said softly, walking over. "It's just that I'm always here to pick you up when you fall down." He knelt next to the bed and stroked my hair.

"Aren't you sick of this?" I asked, staring at his t-shirt, which was soaked with my tears from a few minutes before.

"I used to be," he admitted quietly. "But once you got better, everything did."

I smiled. "I wish it was that simple."

He sighed. "Yeah. I know. That day I found you… That was the scariest moment of my whole life. I'll never forget that as long as I live. It was like… like I couldn't even breathe. God, Rae, you were so broken. Like you were finally showing everybody the raw you that you kept trying so hard to hide all the time and you didn't even know it."

I nodded. "That was me. And sometimes, that still is me. It just depends."

"You still get like that?" he asked.

I nodded, wiping the last of my tears away. "Well, yeah. That stuff just doesn't go away. I can't just… to be honest, I can't just not hate myself. It'd be kind of hard."

"Wait – you hate yourself?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Really? I can't even imagine that. I mean, if I hated myself, I'd want just to – oh."

I nodded.

"Oh. Rae, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's no big deal. I'm just glad you get it."

"Honestly, I don't, really," he said. "It just seems like what I'd want to do. But you…"

"What?"

"You're so much better than me."

"How can you say that?" I asked. "You've seen me at my worst."

"And I've seen you at your best, too. But why don't you like you?" he asked. "You're great!"

I raised my eyebrows at him, and I swear I saw him blush.

"At least, I think so," he said, smiling sheepishly.

I smiled, patting the top of his head. "Thanks, Jacky. I appreciate it."

He grinned, squeezing his eyes shut and sticking his tongue cutely out between his teeth.

"Aw," I laughed, folding my arms under my head again and smiling, shutting my eyes. Then my smile faltered. "Jack… what if Alex doesn't come back?"

He started stroking my hair again.

"I don't know," he murmured. "Rae, I just don't know."

"He has to come back," I stated simply. "He just has to." My voice broke on the 'has to'.

"Hey," he said, his eyes welling up, too. He gave me an attempt at a smile. "May-maybe he will."

"Maybe he won't," I murmured, my fingers moving up to Jack's hair, gently digging my nails into his scalp. He relaxed into my hand, leaning back against the bed.

We sat in silence for about three minutes when Rian yelled, "Guys! Get down here!"

"What?" Jack called back as we got up and flew down the stairs.

"Come here, come here!" he shouted.

Jack and I entered the living room at the same time. On the tv screen was video of the crash playing over and over again. There were tears in his eyes, and he was smiling.

"What?" I asked frantically.

"Look," Rian said and hit play.

Video of the crash played, and I bit my lip.

"Why are you showing us this?" Jack asked.

"Just wait," Rian said.

And a moment later, a reporter was on the screen, and I couldn't even hear what she was saying. I was just waiting for the words 'no survivors.' But Rian looked so happy...

"I'm here with one of our few survivors, Alex Gaskarth."

"What?" I shrieked, missing the next part of what she said.

But then the camera was on Alex, and I sank to the ground because my knees were going to give out anyway. Jack was crying, and Rian was hugging him. Alex looked nervous, shy, even, as he began to speak. "Hi, I'm Alex and I'm twenty… I just wanted my family to know that I'm okay. Mom, Jack, Rian, Rae, Zack – I love you guys. I'll be home soon."

And he was done.

"Oh my god," I cried, bursting into tears for the millionth time. I hated crying, but it was all I had left. "Oh, god, he's okay."

I felt hands over me and realized that it was Jack, cradling me in his arms. My fingers laced through his and I sobbed and sobbed until I couldn't sob anymore.

"We're gonna find him," Jack said to me. "We're gonna go right now and find him."

"I'm gonna call the station and ask where they are," Rian said, disappearing into the other room.

"Get your shoes," Jack smiled, ruffling my hair as he pulled me to my feet. "We're gonna go find your cousin."


	5. Chapter 5

Jack wasn't thinking when he told me to get my shoes; it wasn't like Alex was right down the street, or even a few hours away. He was _states_ away, and it would take days for us to drive anywhere near where he wound up.

The airline called Alex's mom, and they said they would fly him back home for free as soon as they could.

It seemed like months before he got back to LAX, but finally we got the call that his plane was leaving the airport to come home. We all got in the car and drove there so we'd be there right when he landed. We didn't want him to have to wait around.

Aunt Tanya was driving, and I let Jack ride shotgun without even complaining. He was anxious as hell; after all, Alex was his best friend. He was practically bouncing in his seat as Tanya talked and talked.

"And don't ask him about it. Don't ask him what happened, don't ask him about the flights, don't even mention it. If he wants to talk about it, fine, but don't prod him with questions. I don't think he'll want to talk about any of it, though; he may never want to. He's that type."

I nodded, leaning my head back and shutting my eyes.

Rian had decided to stay at the house to tell Zack where we'd gone. We didn't exactly know where Zack was, and he wasn't answering his phone, so we figured the safest thing to do was station someone at the house to wait for him, and Rian generously volunteered.

When we finally got to the airport, we stood to wait. And wait. And wait.

What if Alex's plane crashed again?

No. No, Rae, don't even think about that. He's fine. Alex is fine.

If 5 people walk by wearing yellow shirts, he'll be fine. There's one… two, three… four. One more. One more. There'll be someone else. It'll be okay. Somebody will come.

Maybe.

Maybe Alex really isn't okay. Maybe everything's falling apart again. Maybe he's dead. Oh, no.

And then I saw it – the fifth yellow shirt. I breathed a sigh of relief, and Jack looked down at me. "You okay?" he asked wearily.

I nodded, and smiled as he put his arm around my shoulders, drawing me into his side. I tilted my head to lean against his ribs and shut my eyes.

The noises of people walking around me, suitcases rolling, people chattering faded as my thoughts turned violent again. Alex is dead. I could see the blood covering everything, and I got a really strong urge to cut. Stronger than any I'd had in months.

I'd succumbed to it more than a few times, but for the most part I was clean. But right now… I had nail clippers in my pocket. I always carried them around, just in case. And my god, did I need them right now.

My hands shook as I pulled away from Jack and excused myself to the restroom to do what scared me so desperately.

Please review if you want me to continue. I want to know if you want me to keep this going or not, cause if y'all don't care, I'm gonna stop. :)


	6. Chapter 6

okay, all of y'all who hate me for taking so long to update; here you are! have at it. :)

I locked myself in a stall, breathing slowly. I was headed for the relief that I strongly wanted, strongly _needed_. My heart was pounding with anticipation, my eyes shutting for a moment as I grasped the cool metal between my fingers.

My hands trembled as I rolled up my sleeve, carefully examining the skin there before deciding what I wanted to do to myself. It was sick, honestly, how premeditated these actions were, but this is how it goes in the real world. I just wanted to hurt, and I knew from experience how to get there.

It was cold with my sleeve pulled up, but I didn't care; the metal was colder, and that was all that counted. I could feel my wrist itching, waiting for me.

I twisted the top of the nail clippers open and ran my fingers over the edge of the blades. You just had to clamp down hard enough.

I pressed them down over my skin and shut my eyes…

Blood. There was blood everywhere, I could smell it. Taste it, feel it running down my wrist towards my hand as I pulled the skin back, away, off. Again. Again. Again.

My body was shaking.

I felt the pain as the rush from the anticipation and fear left me, felt my pulse in my wrist.

I let it sit for a moment, relishing in the way that I felt in the moment. I wanted to do it again, feel the things only knives could make me feel, but I didn't have time. If I was in there too long, they would notice.

I gave myself another minute, then quickly grabbed some toilet paper and started to clean myself up, wiping off the blood as best I could without warm water, which wasn't very well.

I couldn't stop shaking, even as I put the clippers back in my pocket after I washed them at the sink in my closed fist. I used extra paper towels to try and get the rest of the blood to stop seeping out, and I slid my sleeve down, praying that the scarlet wouldn't seep through the white.

Camouflaging the ugly with the pure. Story of my life.

I walked back outside to where Jack and Aunt Tanya were standing. I had been determined not to let anything show as I washed my hands, watching the blood swirl down the drain, the water tainted pink. My face was paler in the fluorescent light, and I looked thinner. Sick, almost.

But I wasn't; I was fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Jasmine Rachel Gaskarth is completely, totally fine.

So why, as soon as I saw Jack and Tanya, did I have the urge to burst into tears?

I hated all this lying, all this pretending, especially to them. I couldn't let anybody see the real me, and it was slowly killing me, even more than the cutting was.

I was locked in a prison called myself, and I hated it. I wanted to get out, but every time I escaped, I went crawling back. It was like I didn't know how to live without it. And the truth was, I didn't. I really didn't know how to live without knowing that when things get hard, I can hurt myself and feel better. I couldn't imagine the world without it.

Cause then it only got harder.

As I got closer to Jack, he turned and smiled at me. I didn't say anything, just walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. My gesture surprised him; he didn't hug me back for a second, but when he did, it was even more difficult not to cry.

I breathed in deeply and caught his scent, which only threw me further off guard.

I bit my lip hard, not allowing the tears to come.

If Alex could just get home safe and if he could forgive me, then maybe I'd be okay for a while.

But we'd have to see; the world is unpredictable.

The world is cold.


	7. Chapter 7

Jack rubbed my back with one hand and looked at his watch with the other.

"I know, Rae, I know," he muttered, resting his chin on the top of my head and squeezing my shoulders closer before releasing me.

I straightened up, sad to be let go of. I wanted to be hugged, held, to feel loved. That was all I wanted. Love. It sounds so simple, but it was so hard.

I gave Aunt Tanya a sad smile, and she returned it. I sighed, leaning back on my heels. My right pointer finger traced the outline of my lips over and over, calming me. It was easier to breathe now that I was away from Jack. I knew crying did nothing except make me feel worse when I was on my own with no one there to help me stop. Even a foot or two made a difference.

I let my nails go around my lip again and again, anxiously scanning the crowd for someone that looked like Alex. But there was nothing. No scene kids or anything. I wanted to sit down and breathe, but how was I supposed to watch for my cousin when all I could see were shoes? That boy owned a million and five pairs of shoes.

I glanced down at my sleeve; the blood hadn't leaked through. Yet. Hopefully it wouldn't, but I'd have to be ready in case it did. God, please don't let it. Please.

"Do you see him yet?" Tanya asked, breaking me from my thoughts of what would happen if they found me out again.

"No," Jack said, searching through all the people.

"Wait-" I began. "Yes," I whispered, and took off running after my cousin.

He looked exhausted, uncomfortable, and like he wanted to go home. He saw me right before I crashed into him, and he let go of his duffle bag to open his arms to me. I flew into them and he closed them around me.

"I'm sorry," I said desperately. "Alex, I love you."

"I know," he replied quietly. His voice matched his face, tired and beat-up. "I'm sorry, too. I love you."

And then Tanya and Jack were there, and I stepped back to let Tanya get her arms around her son. I watched them together, Alex finally letting her hold him. It was like she was shielding him from what had happened in the last forty-eight hours. It felt more like months. But finally, the roles were reversed; Alex wasn't looking out for her anymore as he had when his father had left or when his brother had died. Tanya was the one protecting Alex, the way it should have been all along.

When they broke apart, there were tears in Tanya's eyes, but she didn't let them fall in front of us.

"Jack," Alex muttered, and Jack moved forward and through his arms around his best friend. Alex returned the gesture, and for once they were silent, holding onto each other as if they'd been apart for years.

This was an even better exchange than the one between Tanya and Alex; Jack and Alex probably didn't realize how much they cared about each other until they thought it was all over. Jack would be alone. But Alex was alive, and they were hugging like brothers.

And then I realized that Jack was crying, his shoulders shaking. "I thought I lost you," he said roughly, and Alex pulled him closer. "God, Alex, I thought I lost you. I thought you were dead." They pulled apart and Jack was laughing. "Don't _do_ that, man. _God_. That was awful."

Alex gave a small smile and let Tanya put her arm around him. Jack picked up Alex's bag and wiped his eyes. They started walking away, but I just stood there, wondering if they'd realize that I was still here.

None of them turned around.

Yes, I was being selfish and yes, I was being a bitch, but it would have been nice if I'd been acknowledged. But I wasn't, and I wasn't surprised.

I sighed and started following them back through the doors and to the car, not bothering to catch up. They were having their moment; I didn't need to interrupt it, just as I'd interrupted their lives when my mom sent me to live with them the summer after my eating disorder developed.

I didn't belong then, and I didn't belong now, as much as I tried to pretend otherwise.

My name is Rae Gaskarth, and Alex Gaskarth is my cousin.


End file.
